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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/28681386">Evenfall</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/DawningSummer/pseuds/DawningSummer'>DawningSummer</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Akatsuki no Yona | Yona of the Dawn</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Captivity, Dark, Did I mention this is really dark?, Emotional Manipulation, F/M, Hell I don't condone toxic relationships, Murder, Obsession, Obsessive Behavior, Psychological Torture, Read at Your Own Risk, Suicidal Thoughts, This is no romance, Unrequited Love, Yona POV</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-01-11</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-03-02</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-13 06:29:21</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>10</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>19,120</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/28681386</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/DawningSummer/pseuds/DawningSummer</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>The night he killed my father, he came to my chamber. He told me he loved me, and made love to me. I was young, naive, sixteen. WARNING: This story may contain dark and adult themes. *Cross-posted in fanfiction.net.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Son Hak &amp; Yona, Soo-Won/Yona (Akatsuki no Yona)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>120</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>67</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Chapter 1</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>If I close my eyes, he is there.</p>
<p>He's always there, smiling. It frightens me. Who is he, really? He's not the one I grew up with. He's not the boy who held my hands when my mother died. He's not the man I came to love.</p>
<p>No, the man I loved would never let this happen. To lock someone in a room that is no different than a cage. He wouldn't do that, the man I loved. </p>
<p>Or would he? I am uncertain. I am unsure, now. Looking back, I thought I have memorized every part of him already. But then he came back one day, and I've never really known him.</p>
<p>I hug my knees closer, lean my head against the headboard. I don't know how long I've been here now. A month maybe? I've lost track. I sleep and wake, sleep and wake, and I'm still here.</p>
<p>I want to go home.</p>
<p>The air is dark, everything is dark. It's so dark. I feel scared, and alone. Whether I close or open my eyes it makes no difference. I feel scared, and alone, but I'm not alone. Because here in the darkness I have company. I see them, the shadows lurking nearby. Faces. </p>
<p>One time I saw my father's face. He was smiling, like how he always did. I don't know which is more painful: to see my father's face, or to cease seeing him altogether.</p>
<p>Breathe in, breathe out.</p>
<p>I hear faint sounds. I listen closely. Footsteps. After being deprived of a single noise for a very long time, it becomes like a phantom, the noise. </p>
<p>It's closer now. Closer, and closer, and closer. There is a clinking of metal outside, heavy chains being yanked open to give way, a creak. A creak of a door opening. </p>
<p>Then a sliver of light enters, and I see his figure. Golden hair, gentle figure, like a lamb, ready to be offered.</p>
<p>When I was little, my father told me to fear not a pack of wolves, but a wolf in a sheep's clothing. I didn't listen to him; or I did but realized I actually didn't and he was right.</p>
<p>"Yona." </p>
<p>He is calling my name, my father's murderer. But it sounds different when it comes from him. It sounds like a fowler's snare.</p>
<p>I glare at his figure from the darkness. That angelic, deceptive face, they remind me of a demon. It frightens me. A demon with the face of an angel. In the light, where he isn't supposed to be.</p>
<p>Behind him, court ladies begin to enter. They carry a lamp, emitting, radiating that one thing I haven't seen for a very long time. Then darkness is no more, but a shroud of yesterday, a past in a past. They pile to the bedside table, settle the lamp, a tray. </p>
<p>They wouldn't meet my eyes. If perhaps, I am hoping, if perhaps they would just meet my eyes, they would take mercy, and remember that I once was the daughter of their King. Perhaps they could help me. Perhaps there is still a fragment of hope.</p>
<p>They leave, with heads lowered.</p>
<p>In a tray, I see a meal: a simple one. A light meal for a person who hasn't eaten for days. That was his way of punishment: three days without light and food. All because I tried to stab him with a fork.</p>
<p>Is he afraid of me, then? He should be. Because I want to kill him. Because he's a murderer. Because he stole everything from me.</p>
<p>Silence fills the room like a melting fog, a cloud. Neither one of us is moving. He is staring straight at me, and I am glaring back at him. If not for my weak body, I would've bolted at him now, stab him with my nails, rake him raw.</p>
<p>Then he starts moving, crosses the distance between. He stops mere inches away from me. "What's wrong?" he asks. His tone is gentle, and disgust fills my very blood. He isn't even showing any hint of remorse for starving me, for locking me here. He's a monster.</p>
<p>"Yona. Tell me what you want."</p>
<p>I stare right into his eyes. "Just kill me." Just kill me so it would be easier. I want to be free. I want my freedom. Death seems a good escape. If I take my own life ... would the gods forgive me?</p>
<p>He bends forward, cages me inside firm arms. I push him, hard, with all the strength I have left. But he wouldn't budge. He wouldn't.</p>
<p>"No," he says. "No, you don't understand, Yona."</p>
<p>I don't understand, he says. Maybe I don't, but I do. "You're insane," I say weakly. "You're sick. You're a murderer. A coward."</p>
<p>His arms tighten around me.</p>
<p>The night he killed my father, he came to my chamber. He told me he loved me, and made love to me. I was young, naïve, sixteen. </p>
<p>Maybe that was part of his scheme, to break my maidenhead, before he kills my father, so that I would have no choice but to marry him, after he killed my father. </p>
<p>How long had he known then, that I loved him? How certain was he, that I would give myself to him that night? I disgust myself.</p>
<p>Maybe if I hadn't witnessed his sword in my father's blood, perhaps I could've been happier, in the arms of the man I loved, even while grieving for my father. </p>
<p>I was sixteen. And sixteen still.</p>
<p>"Let go of me," I say. "You're choking me."</p>
<p>His hold loosens around me, lets go of me. I wish he would just let go altogether, so it would be easier. </p>
<p>"You'll never understand," he says, a faint whisper. "I love you, Yona."</p>
<p>My hands clench into fists. He says those words so easily, and it angers me. With rage as fuel I raise my hand, slap him, full on the face. Does he really mean them? Does he? No, I tell myself. His words are poison, and nothing more.</p>
<p>He lowers his head. </p>
<p>"Leave me alone, Suwon."</p>
<p>He looks at me for a second, two. By the door, he pauses. "You should eat," he says, without turning his head. "I'll come back tomorrow." And he leaves the room, and closes the door behind him.</p>
<p>No more tears would come out from my eyes. They all dried up a thousand hours ago.</p>
<p>I lock my gaze at the tray of food on the bedside table. My eyes land on the glass of water, a pour of life. I'm thirsty, so thirsty. My throat is very dry, like a dry parched land. </p>
<p>But to give up is to live. And what is the point of living, if living is hell? Yet my hand moves to reach for the glass of water.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Chapter 2</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Once upon a time, I chase after Time. She is always in a hurry, and would glance behind her to look at me, stop, wait, then runs again.</p>
<p>Now it seems as if she has stopped all at once, paused in her tracks, glanced back at me, and stopped. And we stare at each other, and I wait for her to come to me.</p>
<p>The lamp in the table keeps on burning, and it makes my soul more quiet. As I look at it I am reminded that hope is never lost, it's just sitting there somewhere, behind the shadows, would come out sometime, somehow. Or so I tell myself.</p>
<p>I have no idea what time it is now, or what day it is. Whether it's night or day. It's a bit scary sometimes, to not know what's happening outside that door. To be plundered of the truth.</p>
<p>I stare at the flicker of the flames, and I am back to my old room. In the mirror, I see my old self, young and untroubled. And my hair, it burns brighter than the sun...</p>
<p>"There's nothing wrong with your hair."</p>
<p>He is leaning against the wall, with his arms folded across his chest. Eyes half-closed. Hak, my faithful friend ... how I want to run into his arms right now.</p>
<p>My body ignores him, goes back to eyeing my hair in a critical manner. Today is my sixteenth birthday, and I want to look perfect, the best I can be. Because he is coming, my first love. Suwon. I haven't seen him in years.</p>
<p>"It's your head that needs to be fixed," Hak comments, then yawns. "Princess, I don't get paid to watch you fuss over your hair. I want to take a nap."</p>
<p>A sigh escapes my lips. "I get it, Hak! Please, just a moment. I want to be beautiful." The last words come out shyly.</p>
<p>"Lord Suwon already thinks you're beautiful," he says.</p>
<p>Instantly, my cheeks turn cherry red. "Hak!" I grab my hair comb, throw it his way. Stupid!</p>
<p>He catches it without ease, smirking. He always does that to annoy me. He tosses the hair comb precisely back to where I picked it from.</p>
<p>"I'm leaving now."</p>
<p>That's the last time I saw him that day. That night, he was supposed to be at my room, guarding me. But instead, I found Suwon.</p>
<p>I don't know what happened to Hak afterwards, and I don't want to think about it anymore. I don't want to think about anything anymore. I just want to go home.</p>
<p>There is a sound of footsteps again outside. Then a clatter of metal, and the protest of an opening door. I cover both of my ears. I don't want them near me. I don't want them here.</p>
<p>"Yona."</p>
<p>I want to go home. Home.</p>
<p>Suwon enters. I watch as he walks over to the table, examines the tray's contents. "I'm glad you ate," he says, after a moment. He is looking at me with a solemn face. For a moment I thought I saw sadness in them, but then I remember he is the reason for my misery.</p>
<p>"You're such a hypocrite," I say sourly. Why would he even bother send me food, after he left me to starve for three days? Why not just let me starve to death altogether? "How do you even sleep at night?"</p>
<p>He lets out a sigh, then sits at the foot of the bed. At least, he won't come near me. He must've learned I wouldn't think twice on hitting him again.</p>
<p>"Yona," he says. "Listen. I never wanted to hurt you."</p>
<p>This is where my patience ends. With all my hatred and bitterness, I spring forward, grab his robes, claws all out, punch him, hit him, shout at him, with all my hatred and bitterness.</p>
<p>"You're a monster. Go to hell!"</p>
<p>He doesn't fight back, nor shield himself. It makes me angrier. Can I never hurt him? Can I never drag him into the misery that I am in?</p>
<p>"You're a coward! A hypocrite, you bastard!"</p>
<p>And I cry harder, and more tears come out, and as my wails become louder my fists become weaker, and they stop, and grab on to his robes for support instead. Because I am falling, falling so hard.</p>
<p>He embraces me. He embraces me, while I scream in agony, while I continue to curse him.</p>
<p>And when I return to myself and realize the situation I am in, I push him in a rush, and retreat back to the headboard, hugging myself.</p>
<p>He sits there, very still. His robes are in a mess, as is his hair, and red marks are beginning to show on his face, and neck, and arms, and blood in some places where my nails dug.</p>
<p>"Please go away," I tell him. "Please."</p>
<p>He inhales deeply, fixes his robes, and hair. "This isn't my intention," he says as he stands up. "I didn't mean to put you here."</p>
<p>"Killing my father," I say, "locking me up here. How much joy does it give you to prey on the weak?"</p>
<p>"You don't understand anything, Yona." His voice turns sharp. "Your father is a murderer. He killed his own brother."</p>
<p>How many times has he told me those words? Will he never grow tired of lying? My father isn't a murderer.</p>
<p>"You should kill me as well," I say. "If my father's guilty, that makes me guilty. I stand with him. Kill me."</p>
<p>My heart is now racing fast. With my words, I might meet my end this very hour. But I'm not afraid of death, I'm not.</p>
<p>I am expecting him to strike me any moment. But instead, a lone tear falls from his eye. "You're different, Yona," he says softly, and more tears fall to his cheeks. It is the first time he ever shed his tears in front of me. "I tried to hate you, shut you out of my life. But I couldn't. I couldn't hate you. I love you, Yona. Can't you see? I would never harm you. Why won't you believe me?" He sounds almost pleading.</p>
<p>I divert my eyes. My head is aching, and it feels like I'm drowning.</p>
<p>"Please, I don't want you to hate me," he says. "I will do anything, anything for you. Just don't shut me out, Yona. Because I need you. You're the only one I have left."</p>
<p>I can't think of anything. I close my eyes and try to think of the outside world, of the colorful bird I once saw on the woods, of the beautiful voice it had...</p>
<p>I flinch the moment his hand touches my cheek. "Please don't shut me out," he says, as his hands cup my face. "I need you. You're the only one I have left." His hands are warm, like the outside world, while mine are so cold, dead cold.</p>
<p>It's been a long time, since someone held me like this. It feels peaceful, to have someone touch you so warmly, so lovingly. It feels like home.</p>
<p>He leans down and kisses my forehead.</p>
<p>I don't want to open my eyes. I want to pretend this is the old Suwon I knew, the one whom I love. I still love the old him, somewhere in the back of my heart.</p>
<p>I begin to cry, again. I want to go back ... go back in time. If only he hadn't killed my father, if only...</p>
<p>He kisses me, on my lips. Lightly, and again, and again. He's warm. As he entangles his fingers in my hair, I am reminded of that night, when he told me he loved my hair. When he told me they're beautiful, like the blush of dawn.</p>
<p>What am I doing? Why am I not resisting him? Why am I letting him do as he pleases? With my shaking hands, I push him away.</p>
<p>"Suwon, please stop."</p>
<p>He tries to reach again, but his hand stops midway. "I'm sorry if I -"</p>
<p>"Please leave me alone," I say, hugging my knees. I don't want to hear any more. "Please."</p>
<p>I shut my eyes tight, and pretend I am back in time.</p>
<p>"Princess!" A young Hak calls after me from afar, as I hide behind an oak tree. In a split second he shows up behind me, with that bored face of him. "You don't hide so well," he says.</p>
<p>"Yona!" a young Suwon is running in our direction, with a giggle across his face.</p>
<p>By the time Suwon reaches us, Hak announces, "Game over. We got you, Princess."</p>
<p>It's so fun, I want to play with both of them forever, with my two best friends. "Let's play one more round, please," I say to both of them.</p>
<p>"No more," Hak says, fumbling in his pocket. He takes out an apple and takes a bite. "See, the sun is setting. My gramps is gonna look for me."</p>
<p>The sun is indeed setting, casting a pink-orange glow along the sky. But I really, really want to play more.</p>
<p>I turn to Suwon, who never refuses me. "Suwon," I say, almost begging, "Won't you play with me for longer, please?"</p>
<p>Suwon smiles at me, and reaches for my hands. "We'll play again tomorrow, okay? Come, let us return to your room."</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I hope you like it. Again, comments are welcome. Criticisms are encouraged as well, they help me see and improve my mistakes. Have a good day everyone ^.^</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Chapter 3</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The day my mother died, the tulips have come and gone, shedding their pretty lips one by one.</p>
<p>I was five, six.</p>
<p>Everywhere I go, faces would gaze at me with those eyes full of pity, eyes full of sympathy.</p>
<p>For the first time in my life, I am alone. I feel so lonely, like I am a tiny little particle of dust floating, floating, in a big vast universe, where I am alone.</p>
<p>If I try to fly and rise above the world below, I will fall. If I try to take a step and move forward, I am lost. If I look back, I am forgotten.</p>
<p>"It's alright, Yona."</p>
<p>A glimpse of something yellow, a gentle, tender sigh. An overcoat wraps around me, warm and soft and hushed, like a quiet music, playing softly in the background.</p>
<p>"Now, it's alright," Suwon says, enclasping me from behind, "even if you cry."</p>
<p>I let him embrace me, while I crash into the ground, holding on to his coat, tight, as if I am walking on a tightrope, clinging onto nothing but a splinter of hope.</p>
<p>"I could never fall asleep," I say, and my tears turn into a cascade. "Because Mother isn't beside me."</p>
<p>My very first heartbreak, my very first heartache. So this is what it feels like, to lose someone so dear to me, someone who is like the sun, it's like fighting so many ghosts, so many phantoms chasing me, chasing me. And my heart is opening, and closing, opening and closing, opening.</p>
<p>"I'll be your Mother," he says behind me, in a half-gentle, half-cheerful tone. "I'll do exactly what the Empress did, and hold your hand until you fall asleep. So when your tears fall down, I'll wipe them away, so that nobody will see. So you can smile tomorrow."</p>
<p>So I can smile tomorrow.</p>
<p>"You are not alone, Yona. I'm here. I'll always be here. I promise."</p>
<p>Suwon, you are my most precious person. In that day, you gave light into my own little world.</p>
<p>You're the one, I've always...</p>
<p>"You're still awake?"</p>
<p>In a blink, a beat, everything changes, and I am back into that point in time again.</p>
<p>This is a dream ... a nightmare. This is a lie, right? It should be. Because he promised me...</p>
<p>"I didn't expect you to be awake this late at night."</p>
<p>Right in front of my very eyes, my father drops on the floor, blood trickling out of his chest, into the ground.</p>
<p>I run to my father's side and fall to my knees. "Suwon...my father is..." With my shaking hands, I reach out to touch my father's chest. I won't believe my eyes. This must be some kind of a trick, a mummer's play. But the blood won't stop flowing. "Hurry...call a doctor."</p>
<p>"Emperor Il will never open his eyes again. I killed him."</p>
<p>What is he saying? Why would he say something like that? He would never do this. He told me he loved me, he said he'll convince Father...</p>
<p>I look up, and saw him. There against the moonlight, his hands tainted red. The same hands that touched me, the same hands that caressed my skin.</p>
<p>He lowers his sword, and its point meets the ground. "You don't understand anything, Yona. For ten years, I have lived for this day. Did you know? When Emperor Il succeeded the throne, he killed my father."</p>
<p>No ... Uncle Yuhon died in an accident. It couldn't be. My father would never wield a sword. He wouldn't.</p>
<p>"I have avenged my father, and as the one who inherited my father's dying wish, I will become this nation's king."</p>
<p>Please, this is just a dream. I must wake up. This isn't real. Please let me wake up.</p>
<p>"Why did you come here, Yona? You should be sleeping."</p>
<p>When I woke up, you weren't by my side, I want to tell him. I came here to tell Father. I want to tell him I could never forget you...</p>
<p>My head starts to float like I'm in a cloud, or a very very thick fog, drifting, drifting, nowhere.</p>
<p>Who is that person, over there? He killed my father ... that person is not Suwon. He's not my beloved Suwon.</p>
<p>Why did he come to me earlier? Why did he tell me he loved me, when he would kill my father? He said he'll convince Father, he said he'll marry me, he said I'll be happy with him.</p>
<p>Is he a liar, then? Was it all a lie? Does he truly love me, or he only tried to deceive me, for the throne?</p>
<p>Did I gave myself to him for naught? I am a foolish one.</p>
<p>Around me, the room turns into faces, faces that are laughing, in masks, smiling, laughing, whispering. They call me weak, a pampered little princess. Me being the daughter of a coward king. Me who knows nothing, naive, sits still, looks pretty.</p>
<p>A little princess, loved and mocked.</p>
<p>If I cry, I am lost.</p>
<p>This is the same nightmare, I try to remind myself. This is the same, every night, haunting me, haunting me.</p>
<p>
  <i>Stop crying. It's alright, everything will be alright.</i>
</p>
<p>...</p>
<p>When I wake up, my whole body is burning, and freezing. I snap my eyes open, scrunch my brows. What's happening to me? I feel so hot, and so cold at the same time.</p>
<p>There is an arm draped around my waist, covered in a shadow of a golden robe, against my crimson one. Suwon is lying beside me, eyes closed, deceptively peaceful.</p>
<p>In a hurry, I grab his arm, jerk it off me. He stirs, and shifts, blinks. "Yona," he says, in a surprised tone, "you're awake."</p>
<p>I sit up, and a wet cloth falls from my forehead. I pick it up, it's warm.</p>
<p>"You were having a fever earlier," Suwon says, taking the cloth from me. "I had the doctor check on you." He leans forward, presses the back of his hand on my forehead. "Oh, it's rising again. Wait here a second, I will get him." He gets off the bed, heads out of the heavy wooden doors.</p>
<p>I could easily get out of this bed, make for the door, run outside, if I can. It's so easy, the picture of freedom, hanging in there, in display for me.</p>
<p>But Suwon isn't foolish enough to leave the door unlocked without having guards outside. There's a dozen of them outside, probably more, I suppose.</p>
<p>He enters after a minute, in his golden robe, a king's robe. It's intimidating, like he's showing me who owns this place now. But that crown, and that robe, all those will burn into ashes, should I make my move.</p>
<p>By the time the doctor arrives, I recognize him as the head of the royal physician. Suwon hasn't removed him from office. He's been under my father's service since the very beginning. He could help me, if I could talk to him, make him my ally.</p>
<p>Suwon is standing in the corner, watching us. He's always there, watching. I ignore him, as the doctor checks on my pulse. I can't mess this up. I can't.</p>
<p>I wait for Suwon to leave the room.</p>
<p>When the doctor prepares to leave, I lose all hope. He gets up, bows, looks me in the eye, leaves. I think I saw something in those eyes, pity, perhaps? It's always like this.</p>
<p>They both leave the room, Suwon and the doctor. I won't cry, crying is weakness. There'll be a second chance, I know. I am hoping.</p>
<p>The doctor made me drink something bitter, made me lie down, with a wet cloth on my forehead. I want to be covered in layers of blanket, but they won't allow it. I'm so cold.</p>
<p>Sleep won't come to me anymore. I just lie here, eyes wide open, thinking about a lot of things. I think about a lot of things, of how a lot of things have changed. I think about my father, my mother. They're gone now, somewhere.</p>
<p>I think about the sun, always up in there, beyond this ceiling, a circle of flame, a ring of radiance. It's the only thing that won't ever change. If I stand and stay on its side, I am not lost.</p>
<p>The door creaks open, and my thoughts leave me again. Suwon climbs the bed, settles himself leaning against the headboard. If I shift to lie on my side, back to him, the cloth will fall off my forehead. So I remain on my back.</p>
<p>There is a minute of silence, two, three, four. I try to fall back to sleep, but my eyes remain open, as if my instincts are telling me that there is danger lurking near me, hiding.</p>
<p>"It's all my fault," I hear him say, so softly, I strain my ears to hear. "You got sick because of me."</p>
<p>When I look up at him, he is looking at me. I break the eye contact, and keep my gaze at the ceiling.</p>
<p>"Sometimes," he continues, "I wish I never fell in love with you. It would be way easier, don't you think?"</p>
<p>Try to keep my breathing steady, try to keep my emotions at bay. I wish as well, that we never fell for each other. It would be easier, yes.</p>
<p>"I can never go back now, can I?" he says. "I've chosen this path, and there's no going back. Still, every night, I wonder how different things could've been, had you not seen me that night."</p>
<p>My head is a blank canvas again, empty. I stay quiet, try to let the waves go.</p>
<p>"I told myself I would treat you differently from your father," he says. "I spent all those years, trying to shut you out of my life, while plotting against your father. I am not ignorant, Yona. I am aware of your feelings, and the way you would look at me. But I kept on shutting you off, because I'm afraid you'll get in the way."</p>
<p>He touches the cloth on my forehead, flips it over. I flinch. It's cooler again.</p>
<p>"Shutting my feelings away was a mistake," he continues. "Each day that passed by, my feelings for you grew stronger, until I couldn't control myself anymore. The night I went to your room was a mistake too. I lost control, after seeing you that night. I lost control, and gave in to my desires."</p>
<p>Now I'm starting to cry again, the memories of that night flooding me. I don't want this to happen. I want to hate him. I want to keep my anger, use it as weapon against him. But how could I do that, when he's here, saying these things?</p>
<p>"Why are you doing this?" I say, as I choke on my sobs. "Why are you telling me these things? If you really love me, why lock me in here, punish me when I tried to harm you? Isn't it unfair? You're hurting me, Suwon. I don't know who you are anymore."</p>
<p>I rise up, lest I drown in my own tears. I let them fall freely.</p>
<p>"All I'm doing is for your sake, Yona." His voice is a bit higher, firmer this time. "I'm keeping you here because I have to. Because you are a threat to me right now. If I let you out right now, will you promise not to run away? Will you promise not to speak against me?"</p>
<p>So it all comes down to that. He's being selfish. All these he's doing for himself, not for me.</p>
<p>"I'm keeping you safe here," he says. "Do you think I obtained this seat on my own? No. I have my own subjects, and they will not hesitate to harm you because you're a threat in their sight."</p>
<p>At this I look at him. Keeping me safe? Is this supposed to be a safe haven for me? I slap him, hard.</p>
<p>"Why not just kill me, so it would be easier! You're being selfish!"</p>
<p>He grabs both my arms, pins me down on the bed. He hovers over me, pinching my arms tight, it hurts.</p>
<p>"You don't know what you're saying," he says, as a shadow passes across his face. "I'm warning you, Yona. I don't like this behavior of yours. I'm just holding myself, try to understand you, forgive you. But I have my own limits too. If you do this one more time, I'm going to punish you again."</p>
<p>He releases me, and I stare at the ceiling in shock. Who is he, really? He's not the man I came to love.</p>
<p>"Do you really desire death that much?" he says. "I could give it to you right now, but I promise I won't make it quick. I'll make you suffer till you regret asking for it."</p>
<p>Each day that passes, the darkness in him grows, eating him. I sob helplessly, afraid of this man more than ever.</p>
<p>"Do you understand now, Yona? I'm trying to be gentle here. But if I must use force on you, I will."</p>
<p>He leaves, not even bothering to look back.</p>
<p>The world is black, I see now. There's no safe place to be. I look at the blanket before me. In the ceiling, I see a twisted strip of sheet, hanging down. I see myself there, just swinging, lightly, like a child. I will be safe there, protected altogether.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Chapter 4</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <i>Will it not be easier to just pretend?</i>
</p>
<p>I lie in darkness, hands on my side. A voice is speaking inside my head again. It happens more frequently now, these past few days. There is a voice speaking to me, a shadow, a whisper.</p>
<p>
  <i>Will it not?</i>
</p>
<p>It will, I reply, in my head, just to silence the voice. But I think about it all the same, weigh it, test it. The voice is right. It will be easier to just pretend. Pretend I am a good girl, pretend I surrender. That I may get out of this hell.</p>
<p>Yet it will take time.</p>
<p>If I will have to pretend, I will have to empty my mind, forget myself, lose myself, for a very long time, or everything else will be for naught. If I will have to pretend, it must be convincing enough.</p>
<p>If he is convinced enough, it will be a giant step, taken forward for me. I wonder how much it would take from me. I might lose myself forever.</p>
<p>
  <i>Do you have a choice?</i>
</p>
<p>I think about it long and hard. Here, I pause for a second, a minute, an hour. I think about it long and hard.</p>
<p>Do I have a choice? For the days that I've been locked in here, my instincts have been telling me two things: take flight; if I can't, then fight.</p>
<p>If I fight further, like what I've been doing for this whole time, I will end up in the worse condition. Fighting is futile, fighting further will result in a darker and smaller cage.</p>
<p>Flight, I don't have wings, yet. Later, when I acquire some.</p>
<p>But there is also the freezing, between the two, when I watch and wait, how things will unfold, prepare myself, get ready for the next move.</p>
<p>I will take the third path, then. It seems the most promising.</p>
<p>Can I gaze at his face, let him touch me, without flinching, without turning my eyes away? Can I?</p>
<p>Can I love without forgiving? They say love keeps no record of wrongdoings. It will not be love, then. It will be another kind, love without forgiveness. But it shouldn't matter. I will only have to cling to this type of love for months, years, till I am completely free.</p>
<p>Or maybe by then, I will have completely lost myself.</p>
<p>Then what next? After I obtain my freedom, what next? Do I kill him, bring my father justice, rule over my people? Will they approve of me, or has he poisoned their minds already? What do I do next?</p>
<p>I will worry about that later, I tell myself, after another hour of thinking. One step at a time. One step, forward. Time is moving again, away from me. I have to go after her.</p>
<p>Tomorrow, I will begin. The plan is simple: to lose myself. When the timing is right, then I will come find her again, my lost self.</p>
<p>Tomorrow, that's right. On the morrow. Even if he still doesn't come visit me tomorrow, I will begin with myself.</p>
<p>Today is the fifth day of his absence, if my counting is correct. He didn't show up yesterday, and the day before, and the day before, and the day before that. I count through the meals they bring me.</p>
<p>If I say I don't miss his presence, I would be lying to myself. I am alone in this room, with no one to talk to. I wish they would talk to me. But they won't.</p>
<p>I want to go outside so badly.</p>
<p>It's nighttime now, out there. I wonder how the moon looks like. I know it's nighttime because of the medicine they send me. The medicine is to be taken before bed.</p>
<p>My fever is gone days ago, but they continue to send me the medicine. The doctor's word, they said. They won't answer my questions further. But they won't also leave without seeing me partake the medicine.</p>
<p>They also won't tell me the cause of my fever. I can only assume it's fatigue, does fatigue come with fever? Or dehydration. Dehydration, it seems the answer. And the starvation, I suppose.</p>
<p>I lie in darkness, with my hands on my chest. My heart is beating, alive and well. I listen to it, take deep breaths, quiet myself.</p>
<p>Just follow the yellow light.</p>
<p>I am about to fall asleep when the door creaks open. The moment his shadow shows up, suddenly, I am a coward again. I can't do this, I tell myself. I can't.</p>
<p>Close my eyes, pretend I am asleep.</p>
<p>
  <i>And you will always be a weak little princess, always running away!</i>
</p>
<p>His footsteps stop beside me, and the weight of him depresses the mattress. The moment he touches my forehead, I couldn't help but flinch a little.</p>
<p>"I know you're awake."</p>
<p>I try my best not to move, though my heartbeats must give me away, the way they bolt and leap.</p>
<p>"I'm sorry I didn't show up for almost a week. I had to leave the castle. I just returned this hour."</p>
<p>If I stay silent, he might just give up and leave. I hope he does.</p>
<p>"I understand if you don't want to talk to me right now." He sighs. "I'm tired. May I sleep here?" He waits for a moment. When I still don't answer, he plants a kiss on my forehead. "I'll take that as a yes. Good night, Yona."</p>
<p>A minute passes, turns into five, ten, fifteen. I peek through my half-shut eyes. He is lying on his back, chest rising in a placid rhythm.</p>
<p>I could choke him with a pillow right now. A million thoughts run through my head. I could. But will my hands stay still, and not waver? Can I really kill a person? I try to lift the pillow, but my hands are shaking.</p>
<p>I give up the thought. I turn my back on him, lie on my side, hug the pillow. I won't be like him. I won't be a murderer.</p>
<p>His arm is around me in an instant, and his chest pressed to my back. "I missed you," he says. "I'm sorry I had to leave you."</p>
<p>
  <i>Will it not be easier to just pretend?</i>
</p>
<p>What the hell is wrong with me? I am crying again. My emotions are out of control, I cry easily. One moment I am angry, the next moment I am crying.</p>
<p>I don't know why I'm crying. Perhaps I am just lonely, or in grief, or in disappointment. Or none of that.</p>
<p>He must've sensed me crying. He begins to pat my arm, in light rhythm.</p>
<p>I hug the pillow closer. I don't want him to be here, doing this, but I am so lonely. I can't bring myself to push him away.</p>
<p>"It's alright," he says, with the same tenderness he used to show me when we were younger. "Even if you cry."</p>
<p>The same words, I remember. I cry harder, and fill the silence with my wails, and the night with my weeping.</p>
<p>Please, let this be all a nightmare. Please, I want this all to be over now. I want to wake up, and run into his arms, into the arms of the man I loved, where I will be safe, satisfied.</p>
<p>My head starts aching. Throbbing, pulsing. I stop crying. I am tired, I just want to fall asleep.</p>
<p>"I'm here," he says, in a soothing manner. "I love you."</p>
<p>
  <i>Will it not be easier to just pretend?</i>
</p>
<p>I turn around to face him. "Do you really mean that?" I don't know what's gotten into me now. I don't know what I'm saying. "Do you really love me, Suwon?"</p>
<p>His eyes are fixed on me, unblinking. A long time ago I could not stare at them straight. Now I could. They remind me of his true nature.</p>
<p>"It is not love you feel for me," I say. "Love is kind. Wake up."</p>
<p>His eyes, they aren't showing any form of emotion right now. It's as if they're empty. How long has been like this? I wish I had noticed sooner.</p>
<p>"Love is kind," he says, as if thinking about the words, weighing them. "Then what I feel for you must be another kind."</p>
<p>He smiles, but they don't reach his eyes.</p>
<p>"Love is kind, you say," he continues. "That very definition states that my feelings are invalid..." His smile drops. "But is love really kind, all the time? When parents strike their children for discipline, do they do that out of love?"</p>
<p>He smiles again.</p>
<p>"Love is complicated, then," he says, shifting to lie on his back. "A complicated one."</p>
<p>I turn my back to him and hug my pillow. I wish could've known sooner. I wish I could've helped him earlier, before he became like that. He can never be fixed now, I know. Broken people, they don't heal easily, and they continue to wither, no matter how you try.</p>
<p>"I'm so tired," he says, yawning. "Let's just talk again tomorrow, okay? It's really hard to think when you're sleepy."</p>
<p>He doesn't love me. It isn't love. It's a twisted form, a dangerous one. If only I had known sooner.</p>
<p>In my head, I am counting. One, two, three, four...</p>
<p>I lie in darkness, and think about my plan. Will it not be easier to just pretend? It will; or not. But I don't really have any more choice. I have to try.</p>
<p>That's right. Tomorrow, I may start. If not, then the next day, or the next next day. It doesn't matter. I don't plan on rotting in this rotten cage.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. Chapter 5</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>For the next weeks that follow, I am no longer my old self.</p>
<p>Little by little, I make progress, slowly, but surely. I empty my mind, forget myself, every morning, every evening. I lose myself. No longer the weak little princess, always running away.</p>
<p>She's still there, somewhere. For now, I am keeping her locked away. Someday, I will find her again.</p>
<p>It is way easier than I thought it is going to be. It is way easier to be like this. I am now no longer fighting the current, I am now one of the many fish in the ocean. A shark is lurking nearby, but I ignore it and go about my business: to live.</p>
<p>Until I get home.</p>
<p>I stop crying as well. I am wiser now: wise as a witch. I will cry only if it will benefit me. If not, then I will keep my tears at bay, collect them in a bottle, save them for later. They make an excellent weapon.</p>
<p>Just like how I used them two weeks ago, when he tried to corner me.</p>
<p>"You're no longer trying to resist me," he said.</p>
<p>My eyes met his. We are sitting beside each other, on the edge of the bed. He'd said he wanted to talk to me.</p>
<p>"What are you up to, Yona?"</p>
<p>He eyed me as a predator would to his prey.</p>
<p>I can never outsmart him. I can never outrun him. He will always be wiser, always faster. But it doesn't mean I will just watch and wait. I can set a trap to slow him down, a snare, cripple him for a moment, while I run as fast as I can.</p>
<p>"I'm tired, Suwon," I said. "I'm so tired of fighting." I tried to sound as sincere as possible.</p>
<p>In reality, I am tired. So tired of fighting. But it doesn't mean I stopped fighting all the same.</p>
<p>He tilted his head, watched me like a hawk. Studied my face, looked for any hint of deception. I kept my ground, feet firmly planted on the ground. I told myself that I will not waver again.</p>
<p>In my head, I am seeing him as the old Suwon I knew. The one whom I loved. So it would be easier. In that moment, he is still alive, there before me. I saw him. Smiling.</p>
<p>Then it's time to use a weapon. I gathered my tears, let them fall.</p>
<p>His eyes softened instantly. He leaned forward, pressed his lips on my forehead, ran his fingers along my cheeks. He always does that, when I'm crying.</p>
<p>That's one of his weak points.</p>
<p>I stared at my hands, laying on my lap. They ceased shaking a long time ago. What power do they hold now? I placed them next to his chest, curled them. I could use them to push him away, or I could use them to draw him closer.</p>
<p>I chose the latter.</p>
<p>I rest my hands on his shoulders. Shifting closer, I kissed his neck, his cheek. They're warm. Using his shoulders for support, I lifted my feet from the ground, straddled him. He tensed. I started to plant light kisses, along his jawline, each skin I could access. His breathing turned rapid.</p>
<p>It's scary how much power I held that moment. Wise as a witch, I am fighting a serpent, a cunning one. Before he gets hold of my heels I will trample his head.</p>
<p>His hands began moving, running his fingers along my back, along my side, along every curve.</p>
<p>When I gazed at his face, he was looking at me with lust, and desire. He wasted no time. In the blink of an eye, his lips were pressed tight against mine. He was moving so wildly, like a thirsty being, like a hungry wolf. His hands were everywhere.</p>
<p>He stood all of a sudden, lips never leaving mine. I wrapped my arms around him, buried my fingers into the richness of his golden hair. He lowered me, and I felt the matress hit my back.</p>
<p>I gave myself to him, for the second time. It was not as passionate as the first. During the first time, I was making love with the man I love. The second time, I was merely taking my pleasure; he was greedy.</p>
<p>Once lit, the flame grows stronger, and become more ravenous, engulping more.</p>
<p>He came to me again the next night, whispered how much he loved me, worshipped my body and soul. I did not resist. And the next nights. And tonight.</p>
<p>Tonight he is gentle, just like the first time.</p>
<p>I know what I'm doing. I am giving myself to him so that I may gain his trust. If you do not give, you will not receive. Besides, what does it matter? I am tainted anyway. A withered flower. He already took everything from me.</p>
<p>But sometimes I feel like I'm drowning. I question myself. Why am I doing this? Why am I going this far? To live? To laugh? To love? Am I going in the right track? But then when I look at the lamp on the table, burning quietly, I see myself. And I am not lost.</p>
<p>I lie on my side, staring blankly at the white walls, naked as the earth. My arms are folded across my chest. His arm is around me, tracing patterns across my skin. He kisses my shoulder, and I shiver when his hot breath brushes my still sensitive skin.</p>
<p>"I love you," he says. "Thank you, Yona."</p>
<p>This could've been a very sweet moment, if he really meant those words. Because if he really loves me, he will let me go.</p>
<p>Two months, I've been here for two months now. I want to ask him how long he's going to lock me in here, but I dismiss the thought. I have to be careful. One wrong move and all my efforts are gone to waste.</p>
<p>He takes one of my hands, intertwines his fingers with mine. "Do you remember?" he says. "When we were younger, I used to hold your hands until we fall asleep. Just like this."</p>
<p>Oh that? That seems like a long time ago. Yes, a distant memory.</p>
<p>When we were younger, that was our own little secret. It'd be really embarrassing if people were to discover that we sleep holding each other's hands. But now that I think about it, I think we just told that secret to someone else. Someone who's close to us, someone...</p>
<p>Hak.</p>
<p>I wonder where he is right now. Is he looking for me? I dream about him sometimes. Of that door bursting open, of him coming to rescue me. Of me running into his arms, into safety. But then it's just a dream.</p>
<p>I wonder if he's been deceived by Suwon. Perhaps. Perhaps he's become Suwon's bodyguard. The king's. But I doubt that. He hated being my bodyguard. It took a long negotiation before my father finally convinced him.</p>
<p>Or he went back to Fuuga. He didn't like the castle very much.</p>
<p>I wonder if he thinks I'm dead.</p>
<p>I wonder if they think I'm dead. The people, did I ever cross their minds? How did Suwon convince the people about my father's death? About their missing princess? Did they ever question him?</p>
<p>Suwon moves closer, nuzzles my shoulder. "Hmm, you're not listening, are you?" He's acting the lover now.</p>
<p>"Sorry I almost dozed off," I lie. "Were you saying something?"</p>
<p>I really want the truth now. So badly. I will trade anything, everything I have. To know what happened to the whole castle, to know what's happening outside.</p>
<p>"Nevermind," he says, letting go of my hand. His tone has gone cold. He knows I'm lying.</p>
<p>But he's not the only one who's acting the lover now. I do too. Turning to face him, I plant a sweet lingering kiss on his chest, just above his heart. He shudders. That's also one of his weak points - whenever I act like a lover would.</p>
<p>"I'm sorry I wasn't paying attention," I say, gazing up at him.</p>
<p>That does the trick. He hums, then actually smiles. A genuine one. The one he used to show many years ago, before his father died.</p>
<p>"It's all right," he says, rubbing his nose with mine. "Forget it. It's not that important anyway."</p>
<p>Morning arrives hours later. When I awake, the other side of the bed is cold. He's gone. There is breakfast waiting on the table. And a folded parchment. Inside is Suwon's handwriting, saying he needs to leave the castle and will not be back until tomorrow.</p>
<p>I feel like a gentle breeze just passed by. Tonight, if only for a little while, I can finally be myself again.</p>
<p>As soon as I'm done eating I knock at the door, give my orders. On the other side of the door, servants are waiting. "I would like to take a bath," I say.</p>
<p>On the far corner of this room there is a door which opens to a small space, a place where I can bathe myself. There is a tub there, which they fill with warm water.</p>
<p>I wait as they enter, court ladies carrying a new set of robes, crimson and pink. The others carry my bathing needs. They are the same faces, ever since I came here. I wonder how much he pays them to stay quiet.</p>
<p>Sometimes when I watch them enter the room I try to catch a glimpse of the world outside that door. But all I could see is a cold stone wall, no sunlight.</p>
<p>They help me to the tub, wash my whole body. Then they dry my hair, my skin, put on a new set of clothes.</p>
<p>They are not allowed to talk to me, unless I ask them a question. Once I asked them what's the weather like outside. That was a month ago, I think.</p>
<p>There was this one girl who looked at me, smiled, told me it's raining outside. She was shy, and young. Brown hair, brown eyes. The next day, I asked her again, and for the next days that followed. I befriended her, while the others remained aloof.</p>
<p>Then one day, when we were left alone, I moved my lips close to her ear, whispered. "Help me. If you see Hak, or anyone who you could trust, please tell them I'm here." For a while she stayed frozen, then nodded. I sighed in relief.</p>
<p>It was a gamble. But I had to.</p>
<p>The next day she didn't show up. I asked the others where she went. They said they didn't know. The next day though, when I asked them again, they said she was hanged to death, for stealing.</p>
<p>I did not eat for the whole day.</p>
<p>The ones left became even more distant after that. Even when I ask them a question, they'll only nod their heads, utter a word or two. I don't blame them.</p>
<p>After they leave I lie on the bed, stare at the ceiling for hours. There is a pile of books waiting for me but I am in no mood to read right now.</p>
<p>I lie still and wait for nothing. How ironic is it that boredom doesn't affect me now, even if I do nothing but stare at the ceiling. In the ceiling, I see many things. The shadows of yesterday, they dance through my eyes.</p>
<p>I think about her sometimes, the girl who tried to help me. I still blame myself until now. I know very well that she wasn't stealing. She was silenced.</p>
<p>Besides, the punishment for stealing should only be a beating. To be hanged to death meant you were a traitor.</p>
<p>Or has he changed the law? That stealing is now punishable by death? Because he can, because he is the king now?</p>
<p>This time, I let my tears flow again. Here I don't use them as weapon. I use them as a reminder.</p>
<p>Night comes as a swift howling wind. They come to retrieve the trays. The meals lie on the table untouched. I lost my appetite after breakfast. Then they are leaving, as quickly as they came.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0006"><h2>6. Chapter 6</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>I awake to the feeling of something brushing against my cheek, warm but pressing. The images are fading into the distance, caught in a blur of rainbows, as I am slowly pulled into reality. Groaning, I swerve away from the contact, bury my face in the pillow. </p><p>Where was I again? If I remember it right, I was dreaming about something, right ... a distant memory. It was that time, when the snow came to visit. The three of us, laughing. Right. It was a good memory...</p><p>A chuckle, soft and small, reaches my ear. I know that sound. I've heard it before. Where is it coming from? </p><p>"Yona. Wake up."</p><p>Something warm presses against my forehead, along with the one still on my cheek. Opening my eyes, blinking, squinting, adjusting to the bright lighting, I see sea-green eyes, gazing down at me.</p><p>Suwon?</p><p>"You've been sleeping for hours and hours now," he says, smiling. "It's already past noon. I woke you up so you won't feel sick from sleeping too much."</p><p>I look around me, confusion clouding my mind. He's back already? But I feel like I've only been asleep for about an hour or two. Rubbing my eyes, I sit up. </p><p>"I was worried about you," he says. "I heard you didn't eat yesterday."</p><p>I enclose my arms around him, like a warm welcome, but mostly to hide my eyes. They must still be red and swollen from crying last night. "I'm fine," I say. "I just lost my appetite yesterday. How's your trip?" I ask, trying to change the topic.</p><p>"I had a rough night," he says, wrapping me closer.</p><p>"You must be tired, have you gotten enough sleep?"</p><p>Though curious, I always restrain myself from asking him further questions about his whereabouts. So he won't suspect me. </p><p>"I did," he says. "I've arrived at dawn. Then I slept beside you. I always sleep fine when you're beside me."</p><p>"I'm glad to hear that," I manage to say.</p><p>An awkward silence soon follows. He isn't moving, but I could feel his warm breathe grazing my skin. Before I could think of another topic, he speaks.</p><p>"Yona," he says. "I want to talk to you about something. After the meal."</p><p>We eat together, a heavy meal before us. They arranged the table and chairs such that we're facing each other. All the time I could feel his eyes piercing, boring into me. I keep my gaze at my plate, force myself to chew, swallow, chew, swallow. I'm not really hungry. </p><p>After what seems like an hour of torture, I finally put down my spoon and fork, decide I can't take any more. </p><p>Then they are cleaning the whole table, while we stay on our spot, face to face. All the while Suwon is staring at me. Ocassionally, I would look at him and give him a small smile.</p><p>Today, I notice he is wearing white and purple robes, a simple one. His hair is tied in the usual manner, past one shoulder, in a golden hair tie. He looks soft, gentle even. Like he could never even kill a deer.</p><p>Yet he is much more clever than he looks. Outside a clumsy and carefree individual, inside a sly and cunning serpent. I always keep that in mind. </p><p>The moment they leave, Suwon presses forward, eyes even more piercing. I brace myself for what he's about to say.</p><p>"You haven't been eating well lately," he says. "I'm worried about you, Yona. Tell me what's wrong." </p><p>There is an actual tone of worry in his voice, and I recoil in disgust inwardly. But outside, I let out a sigh. I open my mouth to say something, but find I couldn't find the right words. What am I gonna tell him? That I simply don't have an appetite? He just won't believe me.</p><p>"Give me your hand," he says suddenly.</p><p>Hesitantly, I hold out my left hand to him, over the table. It's a little cold, again. Out of nervousness I suppose. He immediately wraps his warm one around mine.</p><p>"I've been thinking about it," he says. "I figure it's time." He pauses for a second, ten. "I'll let you out this very night, in exhange for your promise."</p><p>A hundred billion emotions strike me in a split second. Joy, anger, excitement, fear, hope, anxiety... </p><p>"I'm afraid you're drifting further from me, the more time you spend here," he says. "I can't lose you. So promise me, Yona. Just promise me one thing. Promise me you'll stay by my side."</p><p>How? How could I ever do that? </p><p>"You don't have to forgive me," he says. "I don't deserve your forgiveness. All I'm asking is you stay by my side, and never leave me."</p><p>This is madness. Is he saying I could live a life full of lie and hatred and bitterness for the rest of my life, and it shouldn't matter as long as I'm with him? This is absolute madness. </p><p>"You're asking too much," I say. "I can't do it." I try to free my hand but his hold is so tight. </p><p>"Then, do you intend to stay here forever? Please Yona. It's all I'm asking."</p><p>He sounds almost desperate now, almost pleading. Maybe he's just too tired now too. Maybe he just wants me to get out of here. Maybe he's finally taking pity on me, for locking me here, for killing my father...</p><p>Or is he simply being selfish?</p><p>What is wrong with me? He's literally offering me the one thing I've been aiming for weeks now. I just have to swallow my own pride. </p><p>But a promise is a promise. </p><p>If I promise to stay with him, never leave his side, what will that benefit me? Nothing. I will live all my days in hatred and bitterness. Yet if I don't grab this opportunity, I might rot in here forever. Do I want that?</p><p>I close my eyes.</p><p>How heavy can a promise be?</p><p>Then, after a very long pause, I finally decided. I swallow my own dignity ... and give him my promise.</p><p>A promise is a promise.</p><p>The rest of the day is a blur of black and white. He says I just have to wait as he prepares everything. I don't know what sort of preparation he meant but I go about my normal day, except that this will be the last day I'm stepping into this dark room. I have no plan of ever coming back.</p><p>A cold room, with cold white walls, soon they'd be just the shadows of yesterday. </p><p>When night comes, they bring me a cup. Inside is an odorless white liquid. "It's His Majesty's order," one of them say. "To make Your Highness fall asleep."</p><p>Without further question, I take the cup and let the liquid flow through my mouth. Because I get it. He doesn't want me running away the moment I get out of this door. It's not like I'm planning to do so anyway. I'm smarter now.</p><p>The next moment I come to my senses, warmth is seeping through my skin, the sort I'd last felt months ago. When I open my eyes, I am no longer in that dark room. This room is different. </p><p>The first thing I notice is the windows, wide open. A trickle of sunlight. </p><p>I rise up hurriedly, search my surroundings. I am in a big plump bed, white pillows and white covers, everything in white. They also changed my robes. The walls are decorated with tapestries and hangings of various colors, mostly crimson. This room is large enough, like my old chamber. </p><p>Walking over to peer through the windows, I am met with mountains and greens and flowers and a pond. I recognize this place. This place...</p><p>We used to visit this place when I was young, with my mother. A small villa situated in the farthest part of the castle, reserved strictly for the royal family. A place surrounded by nature, where we can rest for a while, ease our worries. </p><p>Yet I stopped coming here when she left me.</p><p>Before I am even aware of it, tears are running down my cheeks. Why am I crying though? Is it joy? Is it sadness? </p><p>The sound of the door opening and closing alerts me of his presence. In a hurry, I wipe my face with my sleeves. I watch as he comes to me. He is back in his golden robe, and a smile across his face, back to his carefree composure. </p><p>"What do you think?" he says, stopping beside me. "The view is very beautiful in here, right?"</p><p>I nod my head. I try to smile, but the tears come falling down before I could stop them. Then he is embracing me again, as if he isn't the reason for them in the first place.</p><p>We eat by the pond, at noon time. A small table with chairs on either side was put there under a tree, a few feet away from the water. There's only two of us, Suwon and I. But I am no fool. His bodyguard is watching, hiding somewhere out of my view. </p><p>I first caught glimpse of him the moment we stepped outside. Huge scar running across one eye. Chasing eyes. He looked at me as if he wanted to kill me. </p><p>Hyuuri, that is his name. "He's scaring me," I said. So Suwon sent him away, out of my sight. But his eyes continue to haunt me still, through the shadows of the trees. </p><p>That is his bodyguard? That man?</p><p>I distract myself by staring at our surroundings. Even from here I can see the castle walls, running around, enclosing this whole place. And I know I am never completely free.</p><p>What am I thinking? Of course, as long as I'm inside these castle walls, I'll never be free. I will be limited only inside this whole villa, where no one ever comes except for us and the servants. At least a mile from the main gate. They won't even hear no matter how much I scream.</p><p>Suwon is staring at the water, as if deep in his own thoughts. Then he catches me staring at him, and he gives me a small smile. "Do you want to say something?" he says.</p><p>"I have a question," I say, though I already know the answer. "Am I allowed to step out of this place?"</p><p>"Of course," he says. "You are not a prisoner here, though you'll have to stay under my terms when you go out."</p><p>I didn't expect that answer. What does he mean by that? A hundred questions strike my mind. I open my mouth to reply, but realize I have to think critically before I speak. Taking the cup of tea, I take a sip. It smells of flowers. </p><p>After a while, I manage to say, "C-Can I meet other people? Can I meet Hak?" My own mind is condemning me right now. Foolish. Of course not. The answer is a simple no.</p><p>Out of the corner of my eye I see his hand twitch. Flinching inwardly, I poise myself for whatever's coming. </p><p>"We can visit him if you want," he says.</p><p>I shoot my eyes straight at him.</p><p>"Though I doubt he'll want to see me again," he says. He diverts his eyes into the water. "The last time we met he vowed to kill me."</p><p>My breath hitches. </p><p>"He's in prison right now. That night, I lost him too. He'd wounded me on the shoulder terribly, while I'd pointed my sword at his neck. But I should've seen it coming. He isn't called the thunder beast for no reason."</p><p>This can't be happening ... right? Hak? He's in prison all along ... just like me? Is that the reason he never came?</p><p>It's getting harder to breathe now. My breathing turns ragged, in and out in short, quick wheezes ... </p><p>"Yona, are you okay?" </p><p>No. Hak won't be caught that easily. Unless ... unless they threatened him. Unless they used me hostage ... what happened that night, really? He was fighting ... while I ...</p><p>Then the table begins to swirl, and the water threathening to swallow me whole. I see Suwon standing rashly, rushing to my side. He's calling my name. </p><p>Don't touch me, I want to scream.</p><p>But then his voice turns many, drowns along the many voices, speaking in somber, somber tunes.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Dear readers, I try my best to update at least once a week. But try as I might, some things just barge in my face suddenly and boop! My whole schedule is ruined. So please forgive me if there are times when you know... &gt;.&lt;</p><p>Anyway, it won't be long now. This fanfic is coming to an end soon (based on my original plan, but of course it's still SUBJECT TO CHANGE). Thank you for your support very very much! I love you all.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0007"><h2>7. Chapter 7</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>There's no point in crying now, is there? Crying won't change anything. There's no point.</p><p>Yet the moment our eyes meet, the dam inside me cracks, breaks into a rushing water. But I've learned how to weep silently now, so I barely make a sound. </p><p>There he is. Behind the iron bars. Hair as black as coal. Tall composure, like a sturdy oak. There's no mistaking. He's here. Alive.</p><p>Hak. I want to say his name out loud, but my words choke before I could get them out.</p><p>We stare at each other for a very long time.</p><p>He isn't moving, just staring at me. Maybe he's thinking I'm not real, just a phantom. Just a ghost, who appears every single day, in this dark cell, with cold stone barricades.</p><p>I feel like he's a phantom too. For many a time during my stay in that dark room I would see him as a phantom. And many a time I would think he really came, only for him to disappear the moment I would touch him.</p><p>Except that he's no phantom now. Or is he?</p><p>The first to break the silence is me. "Hak." I try to sound happy, as if to say I'm glad he's alive, but my voice come off as a broken piece of glass.</p><p>The moment I uttered his name his eyes widen, and then he's staring at me like I've just appeared right in front of him, and then he's rushing forth, gripping the iron bars.</p><p>"Princess." </p><p>With his movement comes the rattling of chains, attached to his left foot. Does that hurt? Is that heavy?</p><p>Boldly, with all the courage I could ever muster, I take a step forward, towards him. He stretches his arms to me, cups my face, as if checking whether I'm real or not. I let him touch me. His hands are dead cold, just like mine.</p><p>"I'm sorry I couldn't protect you. I'm sorry I failed your father. I'm sorry -"</p><p>"Hak." I cut him off. "I'm glad to finally see you." </p><p>If there's someone who should be blamed here, it's me. Because I've been a fool. Because I've dragged him into this misery. None of this is his fault. He's a victim of my ignorance. </p><p>Then his lips are on my forehead, through the steel bars. How I missed him so much ... I'm afraid he'd disappear again, if I touch him. So I cling to the bars instead.</p><p>"You've endured so much for me, Hak. Thank you."</p><p>With one hand he brushes my hair aside, lets his face rest on my shoulder. His hands fall aroud me, tugs me closer. In that moment I finally gather the courage to hold him. So with my shivering hands I carry on to rest one palm over his lower back, the other I bury in his hair. Like a mother cradling her child.</p><p>We stay like that for a few minutes. Communicating where words fail.</p><p>I take the chance to take in our environment. Sweeping my eyes around, I try to catch a glimpse of the room that's keeping him from the outside world. There's a bed, I see one. With pillows and covers. </p><p>I'm glad of that. I don't want to break the peace we're in but we don't have much time.</p><p>"How are you?" I ask him. Do they bring you food three times a day? I also want to ask. Do they always keep the torch lit? </p><p>Because this place is so dark, enough to make someone go crazy should all the torches cease burning at once. And I know the feeling. Because I've been there, and it was a miracle I'm still sane. Or am I?</p><p>It takes a whole minute before he responds. But when he does, his tone has changed, like he's trying his best to lighten the atmosphere. </p><p>"Still breathing," he says.</p><p>"I'm really glad you're alive, Hak." By that I meant ... that I'm glad he's still himself. Unlike me. Who's dead inside.</p><p>"Of course I'm alive. I'm immortal. Besides, there's a princess who needs her bodyguard."</p><p>I smile, this time a genuine one. He hasn't changed. Still the same. It's like I'm back in time and nothing really changed.</p><p>"Did he come with you?" he suddenly asks.</p><p>"Yes," I reply. "He's outside."</p><p>"Where is he keeping you right now?"</p><p>"In the villa, the one reserved for the royal family." The silence the follows pushes me onwards to say more details. "At first he kept me on some dark room, I don't know where that is, but the other day he had me transferred."</p><p>He pulls away, and then looks at me. "At what cost?" he inquires. </p><p>He's smart. He always reads things well. Every situation. Just like how he discovered about my father's murder that night. But just like that night, it would be better if he'll never know. I lower my gaze.</p><p>"Princess."</p><p>"Please don't worry about me anymore," I say.  </p><p>"Princess," he says again, more pressed this time. He tries to get hold of my hand but I draw them in time, out of his reach.</p><p>"You're no longer my bodyguard," I say wryly. The contract had ended when my father died. "You're no longer required to worry about me."</p><p>Then I'm crying again. I don't know how to tell him. I can never tell him. I'm so dirty. I'm a dirty person. Tainted. A broken doll. What would he think of me? A lowly woman, selling herself to survive...</p><p>"Have you forgotten he's a murderer?" he says quietly. His eyes ... just by looking at them ... How does he know? How could he know the truth so easily? "I could get us out of here. I'll get us out of here."</p><p>Why now? Why didn't you come earlier? I want to ask him. I waited for you. I waited. But you never came.</p><p>"There's no point," I say. I did what I had to survive. "It's too late."</p><p>"Princess. I'll find a way. I'll get you out of this place. You can't trust him. He's a murderer."</p><p>"I promised him." The words are gushing out before I could stop them. "I promised him, Hak. I promised to stay by his side. There's no point. I can't break it. The gods won't forgive me. If I break my promise, they won't-" </p><p>My words get stuck in my throat and I cry harder. Full of resentment. Full of bitterness. What have I done? </p><p>This whole time I've been trying to free myself, only to get caught in the web I myself had created. I've been selfish. Desperate. Desperate to get out of that place ... that I hadn't contemplated, hadn't considered ... the condition he'd laid in front of me.</p><p>I'd thought I was wiser now. Turns out, I was wrong all along. </p><p>I bring my hands to my mouth, try to silence myself. Suwon has had me trapped ... My knees almost give way but then Hak's arms are on me again, and I lean on to him for support, because I'm falling again, falling so hard. </p><p>"I'm sorry," I say sobbing. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry." </p><p>This goes on for I don't know how long. All along he does not move an inch, just comforting me with his warmth, his warmth, his warmth.</p><p>"I vowed to kill him," he says solemnly sometime later. "I promised His Majesty Il to protect you. I promised to take care of you. I intend to keep my promise."</p><p>Hak really meant those words ... right? He'll really kill him. I think about the three of us together, when we were all young and uncorrupted. How could it all come to this? How?</p><p>"When that day comes, will you stand by his side?" he asks.</p><p>When that day comes, I want to tell him, I will lose the two of you. After you kill the king, you will be branded a criminal, Hak. Guilty of rebellion. Of treason. Will be condemned to death.</p><p>Then I will be left all alone.</p><p>How did all come to this? </p><p>I don't know. I'm afraid. I'm so, so afraid. What should I do, Hak? Where do I go? Where do I go from here? I feel so lost.</p><p>"Your Highness."</p><p>The sound of the voice and the footsteps approaching make me jerk away from him immediately. They can't see us like this. Suwon can't know.</p><p>I have to protect Hak. I can't lose him. He's all I have left ... he's all ...</p><p>"Your Highness," a voice speaks from the darkness. "His Majesty says it's time to go."</p><p>I wipe my face with my hands, gather my voice. "Give us a minute. I'll follow shortly."</p><p>I wait until the shadow disappears completely. Then I am looking back into his deep blue eyes, and I am saying one thing: "I don't want to lose you too."</p><p>What he does next completely tears me apart. Hak turns his back to me, completely locking me out of his heart. At this point in time, I feel like he's no longer himself ... just like me. He's been damaged. Beyond repair. Just like me. </p><p>In pain, I turn my back to him too, and start walking away. But before I'm out of earshot my ears catch his words. </p><p>"When the timing is right, I'll come find you."</p><p>He doesn't promise, but neither does he break his word. I understand. I can never stop him. With every step that feels like walking in a hot burning coal, I move forward.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I spend a lot of time thinking whether Yona's behavior completely makes sense, considering the trauma she's gone through. *hands up* I don't know, I haven't studied psychology, so if you think some things are wrong please forgive me 😅 </p><p>(Btw you can point some things out in the comment, I don't mind. Just be kind okay? )</p><p>Anyways thank you for reading 😘😘</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0008"><h2>8. Chapter 8</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>There are so many things that's keeping me awake at night. So many things that keeps pulling me from the peaceful slumber I so crave right now. </p><p>Nightmares...questions...nightmares...answers...nightmares...</p><p>My gaze flickers to the cup held in front of me. My medicine. The only thing that would help me fall asleep. But even with the aid of it I would still end up screaming in the middle of the night due to unending nightmares. </p><p>I push it away. "I don't want to drink it tonight," I say. "I think I can manage already." In truth, I don't like the idea of having to depend on something.</p><p>The court lady bows and withdraws. After she leaves I turn back to the window, stare at the darkness. Perhaps sleep shall come to me soon. I know it will. Because it always did.</p><p>Or if not, then I'll use this time to think, reflect. Decide what my next move will be, or what other questions I will ask him next. Because if I don't seek, I'll never find the answers. </p><p>Two nights ago, I finally took another step. "I have so many questions," I told Suwon honestly, while we lay in bed basking in each other's warmth. "They've been bothering me for a long time now."</p><p>"What sort of questions?" he asked me then.</p><p>I clutched his hand tight. I'm tired of being ignorant, of staying clueless. But how do I start? I thought helplessly that night. Will he even tell me? But if I don't knock, the door won't open. So I took a long deep breath and steadied myself.</p><p>"About the whole castle. About why ... why the whole court didn't come looking for me." How you've secured the throne to yourself. About how much power I have left in my own hands. "Do they assume I was dead?"</p><p>His eyes went suddenly cold.</p><p>"Please Suwon," I begged awfully. "I want to know. If you really love me, you won't hold back those things from me. I deserve the truth. Please."</p><p>He still didn't waver.</p><p>"If you don't intend to be honest with me, how will I be able to trust you?" I said. "You say you love me, right? Prove me then. Prove me how much you love me. I promised to stay by your side, but how can I love a person who won't even trust me?"</p><p>Still no answer.</p><p>"Is it because the truth would only hurt me?" I said softly. Then I made myself kiss him as if I'd really meant it. "I know it will. But sooner or later I'd learn the truth anyway. So what does it matter if I learn it now?"</p><p>In the end, he told me the bitter truth. Of course, every word that came out of his tongue was carefully constructed, cautiously weaved. But they're enough to make me feel like I was drowning again, in a water with six walls trapping me.</p><p>One.</p><p><i>"After the king was killed, the princess fell mentally ill."</i> That's just one of the many lies the people have been feeding themselves with.</p><p>I see now. That's why. That's why that doctor is still here, right? Because Suwon still has some use on him. The same doctor who'd seen my suffering before, yet chose to stay silent still. He's been on Suwon's side all along. Making the people believe I'm sick. That I'm mentally disoriented. So they can keep me locked away.</p><p>Two.</p><p>The people believe that my father's murder was the work of insurgents. Some did surrender, at least, claiming the deed, were executed publicly. Suwon had spared the part on who those men are, but I can already imagine how they'd been threatened to the point of carrying the cross they've had nothing to do with. Or maybe how much wealth and power he'd promised them.</p><p><i>"Poor princess. She'd lost both her parents because of the rebels." </i>These are the added whispers in my nightmares now.<i> "That must be the reason she's gone very ill."</i></p><p>Three.</p><p>As for Hak, he's been declared missing throughout the country. The Wind Tribe had appointed a new chief. He's called Taewoo. But the worst part is, some suspect Hak to be part of the king's assassination. </p><p>I stopped asking Suwon after learning those three lies. All lies. Lies and lies and bunch of lies everywhere. How I'd wanted nothing but to pierce him with my nails that very instant ... but I held myself. Fighting him never ends well on my part.</p><p>I'm going mad very soon. </p><p>Perhaps Suwon's right. I've really lost my mind. After all, I feel like I'm no longer myself. Just an empty shell. An empty vessel. Just drifting nowhere.</p><p>"I need some space," I told him after the exhausting truth. "I don't know, just give me few days? It's just ... overwhelming. I need some space." </p><p>I don't know how many days he's going to give me, how many days I have left. If I'm counting it right he hasn't shown himself to me for two days thus far. I can only hope the remaining days would be enough to sort my mind, to face him again without cracking myself.</p><p>I couldn't come visit Hak again. I couldn't face him in that condition. Each time his face would flash before my eyes, guilt and shame eats me whole. Like that court lady who'd tried to help me ... I'm afraid he'd end up like her because of me.</p><p>My presence would only add more fuel to his desire in killing Suwon, in destroying himself in the process.</p><p>But I'm going to do everything in my power to free him, I promise myself every night. If I would have to kneel in front of Suwon, I would. Just to free him from that place. </p><p>That's one of the things that's driving me forward, no matter how much I wanted to just wither away. To protect the ones that matter to me. I can't let Suwon sit on that throne alone. Because he's just like his father. Utterly cruel. Without mercy. Would trample even his friends, just to go this far.</p><p>"I'm going to sleep here tonight."</p><p>His voice echoes through the quiet of the night. They must've reported to him again, how I refused to drink that stupid medicine. Why do they have to report every single thing to him? </p><p>I follow with my eyes wearily as he closes the door, walks closer to me. I sigh inwardly. So much for the two days he'd given me. Not enough. Mayhap I should've just drank that stupid medicine.</p><p>"Ah I missed you so much," he says, cupping both sides of my face. "You've no idea how much I restrained myself from marching into this place." Just then his lips lock against my own, as if in a haste to devour the meal. "I love you," he says in between. Then his kisses become more viscous. </p><p>What a passionate reunion for star-crossed lovers who hadn't seen each other in centuries. </p><p>"Let's take a walk outside," he says, grabbing my hand. "The cool air would help you fall asleep."</p><p>We walk around the whole villa, past the gardens, through the trees. Somehow, the air is a little colder. Although it's early summer. I pick a dandelion absentmindedly. Stare at it's beauty. Breathe it's rich scent. </p><p>Suwon's minding his own business. I'm glad of that somehow. Because I don't feel like talking. He's looking up at the sky, the oddly shaped clouds, the crescent moon. </p><p>I stop when I spot a bench, sit down on it. I wrap my arms around myself, still holding the dandelion. He sits beside me.</p><p>Breathing the dandelion's scent, the memories are rushing before I'm aware of it. It was spring, no ... early summer. </p><p>"You should try some." </p><p>The oddly-looking yellow flower is stuffed inside my mouth before I could protest. Suwon is laughing quietly beside us as Hak continues to assault my mouth.</p><p>I don't know what Hak finds amusing in this flower but it tastes oh-so-bitter. I force myself to swallow it fully immediately, because spitting it on the ground seems unethical.</p><p>"Is this really edible?" I ask Suwon when Hak picks one more flower then actually eats it.</p><p>"Yes," Suwon assures me. "Here, I'll eat some too." Then he's picking one himself and begins chewing.</p><p>"That's stupid," I say. "What human eats a flower?"</p><p>"Why, the princess herself," Hak says before trying to stuff some in my mouth again. I groan in annoyance before running away. Then they chase me until I begin to cry. Bullies.</p><p>That way, whenever the three of us would see a dandelion, I automatically run before they could tease me again. That was ... many years ago. </p><p>I look at Suwon whose eyes are still fixed above us. Even then, are those smiles he'd given us ... even real? Are those days ... gone forever? Does he even remember the dandelions? </p><p>Before I know it I'm holding out the flower in front of him. He furrows his brows, looks at the flower, then at me. "It's pretty." He smiles. </p><p>He doesn't remember.</p><p>"It's a dandelion," I say, as if hoping something stirs within him.</p><p>But then his smile goes away.</p><p>"Some things are better off buried," he says, brushing some crimson hair strands past my ear. "Forget about him. I'm the only one you have now, Yona. Only me. He's no longer your bodyguard, you said it yourself. So stop thinking about him."</p><p>How does he know I said that? Had he been listening to us that night? Suddenly, I'm angry at him, for invading our privacy. </p><p>I stand up out of impulse. "I only spoke of dandelions," I say defiantly. "Or are you that insecure?" That Hak would really get me out of this place? Because he's much stronger than you? "Work on yourself, Suwon. Before you know it, envy is eating you."</p><p>He's on me in an instant, fingers digging though my upper arms deeply. I let out a distressed cry. He's so tall I feel like I'm facing a great lion who wouldn't think twice on lunging at me.</p><p>"Let go of me," I say. "What are you doing?"</p><p>"He's a savior in your sight, while I'm a monster," he says mockingly. "Soon you'll see. The world is not kind as you think. He's not your savior. No one is your savior. You're forever trapped with the monster that you think I am."</p><p>Stop. </p><p>"I have no ill intention against Hak," he says. "I do plan on making amends with him. But you see ... if anyone comes my way, I won't hesitate to strike them down, no matter who they are."</p><p>It's a direct threat. How many times had he threatened me before? I lost count. I'd thought they're gone the day I gave myself to him. Until now. They'd never really go away, would they?</p><p>He doesn't let go of me, but snakes his arms around my body. "My mistake," he says. "I shouldn't have let you see him in the first place. Let me tell you: false hope is alarming. He's never coming to rescue you."</p><p>If something happens to Hak...</p><p>I won't forgive myself. Clutch the flower in my hand. Protectively. Like a mother bear. It's all my fault. I should've just shut my mouth.</p><p>"I'm sorry." I don't want to anger him further. The sudden shifts in his mood frighten me. Gone is the boy who'd be patient with me, no matter what tantrum the younger me would throw his face.</p><p>Soon after, I hear him sigh. "Maybe you're right. I'm insecure. Because I'm nothing but a cruel man in your sight, am I not? I'm the villain, and he's the hero. Do you even have the slightest idea how much that hurts me?"</p><p>Then his lips land on my temple. "Look. I'm trying my best, all right? But your words cut through me like a double-edged sword. You're hurting me, Yona. Am I going to be the one who will always try to understand you?" He inhales sharply. "This relationship isn't going to work if you keep despising me. Try to understand me too."</p><p>I nod my head stiffly. I hate myself. I wish I could just quit burying my feelings deep into the ground. I wish I could dig them up, embrace them. I wish I could fight in another way.</p><p>"I'm really sorry," I say. </p><p>"You're forgiven," he says, and he's back to his calm mood. "Best not to deal in unpleasant emotions. They're very unhealthy."</p><p>I'd never be honest with him again. He's completely lost it now. If he couldn't even accept those hurtful words, why ask me to be honest with him in the very beginning? </p><p>He grasps my chin, kisses me lightly. "Dandelions taste bitter," he mutters, before pulling me in for a deeper kiss. I don't protest as he takes the flower from my hand, watch blankly as he tosses it to the ground.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>This chapter is really unpleasant imo but it's necessary to show some things hehe. But hey I'm comforted with the fact that if you're still reading this chapter it only means that you can tolerate the theme of this story ^^ </p><p>Also, don't hesitate to tell me if you notice some inconsistencies. These are not beta-read and I try my best to edit them but in the end I'm just a human being xx</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0009"><h2>9. Chapter 9</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>I sit on my chair anxiously, glance at his face in every stretch of now and then. Drops of sweat are running across my back, thankfully hidden beneath my pink robes. The unfortunate ones on my forehead, I keep wiping with my palms.</p>
<p>We just finished eating and I don't want to dive into the water right away so I wait patiently before speaking my thoughts out loud. Watching as the court ladies clean the table one by one, I think of the words I planned to say.</p>
<p>
  <i>'Hak's been there for too long now. Please let him go.'</i>
</p>
<p>I hope I could finally say it now, get this lump out of my chest as soon as possible. I planned this for days, but no matter what preparation and how much I practice I still might end up hanging in the middle.</p>
<p>"You have something to say?" he tells me as the servants exit the room, his eyes focused intently towards me.</p>
<p>I swallow hard. "I-uh ... yes. I want to talk about H-Hak." I pause for a second, wait for him to say something. When he doesn't, I continue, "H-How long are you...?" My sentence are left hanging in the middle again.</p>
<p>Inwardly, I hope that he's getting what I really wanted to say. Because I couldn't get them out on my own. I'm afraid and nervous and really ... I'm afraid of him misunderstanding my words again.</p>
<p>"I was just about to tell you. I'm letting him go tonight."</p>
<p>What did he just say...?</p>
<p>I launch my gaze straight to meet his own ones which never left mine even for a millisecond. A glint coated in lush green sea.</p>
<p>"D-Do you ... do you mean ... Hak?"</p>
<p>"Hak," he confirms. "I just talked to him. I'm letting him out this very night."</p>
<p>There's no way I could ever contain the hundred and thousand emotions crawling inside me right now. First is relief. Then gladness. Like an oil of gladness is being poured over me this very morning.</p>
<p>"I-I don't know what to say." </p>
<p>Almost made myself rush from my seat on to the other side of this table, throw myself around his arms, thank him -</p>
<p>But just then it suddenly dawns on me the bigger picture of us and the whole story. There's no way he's doing that without some hidden motives, my other self is shouting at me. What is he up to?</p>
<p>"What's happening?" I say uncertainly. "H-How did you...?" I never get to finish my sentence, my mind racing at the many questions I intend to ask him.</p>
<p>He seems to understand what I was trying to ask because he says, "He agreed to go back to the Wind Tribe, and never speak of what he knows." And then he averts his eyes out into the window. "His disappearance is fanning the flames of rebels. It's not dangerous as of now, but it may put the whole Wind Tribe in danger for later, knowing rebellion is a very serious crime."</p>
<p>Rebels? On Hak's side? Rebellion? The whole Wind Tribe? So there's been some uprising. I knew it. Mundok won't buy their whole lies. The whole Wind Tribe won't. They've always been wiser. If not for their lack of power they would've marched to this place now, try to reach me.</p>
<p>"Hak agreed to my terms for the sake of his people, along with his freedom. I'm allowing him to go back to being chief, or do whatever he likes, as long as he stays a considerable distance from you."</p>
<p>What is he doing? Now he's even denying my right to see Hak again?</p>
<p><i>Is he no longer important to you?</i> I want to say out loud. <i>Will you just let go of him forever? Throw away those years?</i></p>
<p>I exhale sharply. I shouldn't be saying these things to him now. I can't give him any reason to go back on his word. Isn't it the one I've been wanting to ask him all along? Hak's freedom? </p>
<p>
  <i>"I vowed to kill him. When that day comes, will you stand by his side?"</i>
</p>
<p>Hak's own words ring through my ears like alarm bells. "Hak," I say to Suwon. "You said he'd vowed to ... kill you ... right? Did he ... did he change his mind?" </p>
<p>Suwon flickers his gaze at me, then back to the window. "We'll have to see," he mutters almost to himself. "If he can."</p>
<p>If he can. But he can. Or can he? Could it be ... that Hak changed his mind? If he agreed to Suwon's terms then he did change his mind. For that thought I'm partly glad. This arrangement saves Hak the most. Especially his soul. </p>
<p>"I'll send for you at dusk," he says while rising from his chair. "I'm allowing you to talk to him for the last time before I send him off." Then he's behind me, hugging me from behind. "Hak is important to me too. You know I never intended to do him harm from the beginning." </p>
<p>I think for an instant I could hear faint sadness in his voice, and longing. I know he loved him too, just as I do. Hak's still a part of us. No matter the circumstances. </p>
<p>When they come to pick me up, evening is just falling from the skies. A handful of court ladies, a dozen soldiers. And Hyuuri. As expected. He's his most trusted servant who would gladly embrace death than disappoint his master. Suwon is nowhere to be found, as I expected too.</p>
<p>We arrive at the worn-out looking structure where they're keeping Hak. Outside it looked like an abandoned builing, except that the moment you enter the iron doors there would be a multitude of soldiers willing to silence any intruder. Two guards holding torches accompany me down the dim staircase, Hyuuri trailing behind us.</p>
<p>We pass through the twisted corridors. This place, it's like a maze. Cunningly built for special purposes. Along the way we meet more soldiers still, ever armed and ever alert. Finally, they all stop in a corner and motioned for me to go on alone.</p>
<p>A few more steps and I'm seeing him again.</p>
<p>Hak.</p>
<p>"Why are you here?"</p>
<p>Why am I ... here?</p>
<p>I'm met with a cold barrier, cold wind rushing to meet my paleness. Hak is leaning against the iron bars, back facing me. Why isn't he facing me? Is he not happy to see me? I don't understand? </p>
<p>"I came to see you," I say quietly. "Suwon told me..."</p>
<p>"I'm no longer your bodyguard, Your Highness."</p>
<p>
  <i>Your Highness.</i>
</p>
<p>"What's going on?" I say as my tears threaten to spill over. "What's with you, Hak?"</p>
<p>When he doesn't answer, nor even spared me a glance over his shoulder, I say bitterly, "You must hate me so much. I know it's all my fault. Why all these happened. It's all my fault and I'm sorry."</p>
<p>In the space between us, an awful shard of silence begins to coat over. He still won't speak to me. I beckon myself to come closer and connect to him, but my body won't listen to me.</p>
<p>"Suwon told me about everything," I say, watching the stray droplets fall from my eyes to the floor. "I don't know when I'll see you again. I just ... I just want to know you're okay. When you arrive safely at Fuuga, don't forget to write me a letter, please? You're still my friend, my best friend. Even if it all came to this, I want you to know ... that you're important to me."</p>
<p>
  <i>Please speak to me, Hak.</i>
</p>
<p>"I never wanted any of this," I say. "If only I had known..."</p>
<p>"None of these is your fault," I hear him say. "You're wasting your time here, Your Highness. You should go back now." </p>
<p>I watch painfully as he disappears from my sight. Perhaps he's just tired, or he's disappointed. Or he's being threatened again. I want to tell him that I understand but his behavior still pains me so. I feel like I'm being betrayed all over again, by that one person who's all I have left. A small creaking sound reaches my ears and I realize he's gone to bed.</p>
<p>
  <i>Right.</i>
</p>
<p>I shouldn't be here robbing him of his sleep. He'll have to travel tonight, he would need more strength. Right. I'm sorry. I take agonizingly deep breathes.</p>
<p>"Then I'll leave," I announce. </p>
<p>I don't wait anymore for anything. I just start to run, run away from this painful place. I don't even remember the trip back to the villa anymore, nor laying myself down on the bed. I just find myself crying all over again.</p>
<p>But I don't fall asleep. </p>
<p>So later at midnight when Suwon came he finds me still awake, eyes all swollen and red. And then the next moment I'm in his arms seeking comfort, seeking comfort in the wrong places.</p>
<p>The days pass by in a blur. A blur of blue and yellow and red. Days turn into weeks. It's now the third month of my father's death. Suwon has allowed me more freedom. I'm free to go about the whole castle again without much company. Only that he's assigned Hyuuri to guard me now. But as long as I ignore him I'd feel like I'm really free to move alone, because he stays at least twenty feet from me. </p>
<p>I wander aimlessly. I stop outside the library, debate with myself whether to go in. In the comforts of the quietness inside, I always end up sleeping in a corner until Minsu comes to wake me. Glancing at the noon sky, I figure there's still so much time to spend, and I can't spend them all wandering through the whole castle. </p>
<p>So I go inside the library, find a tight corner, settle myself. Hug my knees, rest my head above them, wait for sleep. As expected, Minsu comes to wake me hours later. </p>
<p>"You shouldn't be sleeping here, Princess," he would always say.</p>
<p>When I first saw Minsu beside Suwon, I felt betrayed. But then I remember, I'm the only one who knows the whole truth behind my father's death. Minsu doesn't know anything. Sometimes I feel like I wanted to tell him everything, because I've kept these secrets to my heart that it aches not to whisper them to him.</p>
<p>But then some things are better kept secret, if you want to protect those important to you. So I let him think what they'd been told of me.</p>
<p>The sky is a canvas of yellow and orange and pink by the time I stepped outside. I resume walking, follow where my trustworthy feet would take me. As if some string is tugging me, I pause by in one of the training grounds, the one that's mainly used for horseriding and archery. It's empty as usual. Ever since Hak left.</p>
<p>"No fair! I want to do archery with Suwon too!" I remember telling my father in this very spot, three months ago. When everything was fine.</p>
<p>On that day Suwon and Hak were practicing archery while on horseback, taking each other seriously. As if on a tournament. </p>
<p>"Let them be for a moment," my father said. "They haven't seen each other in a while."</p>
<p><i>And I haven't seen Suwon for a while too,</i> I pouted. <i>Not really fair.</i></p>
<p>"Come down Yona!" I heard Suwon shout from below the balcony where father and I were watching. "I'll let you ride with me."</p>
<p>The excitement I'd felt in that moment...</p>
<p>"Suwon!" my father objected right away. As expected. He never liked Suwon.</p>
<p>"She'll be all right," Suwon replied flatly. "She'll just be riding the horse."</p>
<p>I wish I had noticed then that moment the way he so disobeyed my father directly.</p>
<p>"Relax. Hak and I will support you."</p>
<p>Without really much awareness I move forward, pick a bow from one of the raised holders. I run my fingers through the intricate wood, through the limbs, through the string. </p>
<p>My father, he doesn't like me holding weapons. But he's gone now so what does it matter? </p>
<p>When I pick an arrow from the sheat Hyuuri is beside me in a flash, taking the weapons from my hand almost forcefully. </p>
<p>"Let her be."</p>
<p>Hyuuri backs away immediately at the lone source of the voice he would ever acknowledge.</p>
<p>"Are you interested?" Suwon says as soon as he reaches me.</p>
<p>I shake my head, place the weapons back to their right places, back to their home. Then I start walking away from him not even bothering to spare him a look.</p>
<p>Sometimes I do that, ignoring him when I feel like it. Show him my real feelings, make them more evident. He made me promise to stay by his side, but it doesn't mean I'll stay like a loving dog all the time. In little things like these I could somehow take my own revenge against him.</p>
<p>Still I always make sure to not go so far. If he snaps and explodes, who knows what he'd do again? So I always make sure not to go too far. </p>
<p>The next day, I'm back in this place. I never really have anything to do anyway. I just walk around the whole palace as a princess who has nowhere to go, who is homeless. Maybe someday when I finally earn Suwon's trust he'd allow me to start meddling with the matters of the court. For now, I just go with the flow of the wind.</p>
<p>"I thought you said you weren't interested," Suwon says from behind me. </p>
<p>I watch plainly as he takes a longbow, an arrow. He positions himself, nocks, aims for the target board. In a split second the arrow comes flying, hits the bullseye perfectly. </p>
<p>It's intimidating, to be honest. </p>
<p>"Do you want to try?" he asks cheerfully. "It can be a good pastime too."</p>
<p>Before I could protest he's placing a smaller bow in my hand. I take it hesitantly, unsure. I don't even know how to handle it properly. This one weighs a bit heavy, but no doubt much lighter compared to the one he's holding. </p>
<p>As I glance at Suwon's direction I catch his eye staring at another figure on the balcony. A man with long black hair which covers one of his eyes, wearing purple overcoat with black hemlines. Even from here I recognize him already. Keishuk. Suwon's own adviser. Why is he here? </p>
<p>"I'll teach you archery, how does that sound?" Suwon says, drawing me from my thoughts. "We can start tomorrow morning." Then he proceeds to hug me tightly, in front of them. "I'll see you tonight." </p>
<p>When he releases me he turns to Hyuuri. "Escort the princess back to the villa safely."</p>
<p>I don't need to be told a second time. Just from Suwon's tone alone, I know that they'll drag me should I refuse to do so. Reluctantly, I walk back to the villa, wondering why he's sending me back even though it's only morning.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0010"><h2>10. Chapter 10</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>When I was staying in that dark room, I do everything to please him, appease him. I would kiss him as if I'd really meant it, as if he were my lover, whom I love with all my being.</p><p>I'd embrace him when I feel the urge, the tug. I'd shower him with affection. With my hands and my lips, not with my words. For my tongue would betray me, and he would always know when I'm lying. </p><p>Now we're out of that den, myself and I, and Hak too, we're all out of those cages now. But we're not entirely free. We remain in his clutches, his hands holding the strings that make the puppet out of us. Broken puppets, compliant puppets, docile.</p><p>Or so he thinks.</p><p>I continue the game, play house, play the lover. I do my part, faithfully faithful. A lover, that's what he wanted out of me. So I play one.</p><p>I'll play until I could find a way out of his grip. He's had me trapped in my own web when he'd made me promise to never leave his side. I know I'll find one, a way out. I can, I will.</p><p>I despise the idea of owing him something, so when he offered to teach me archery, I refuse in my head. It's not really an offer; it's more of a command. He didn't ask me if I'd wanted it, he laid down the gold and expected me to get lost in the glint and bite. Tomorrow morning, I'd tell him I refuse.</p><p>What is he thinking in the first place, wanting to teach me archery?</p><p>My guess is that he was trying to reconcile with me. What else would he think? For as far as I could see, it would never benefit him more than the prospect of me owing him something. </p><p>Or he was simply trying to reconnect with me, fix the broken bond between us.</p><p>Because I've been ignoring him most of the time, these days. Whenever he would arrive at night he would find me already asleep, drunk in the sleeping medicine, and by morning I'm still asleep. We only see each other during the meal; he insists on having each one with me. But even then I don't talk to him, nod my head when he asks me a question, utter a word or two, just like what they'd done to me when I was in that dark room.</p><p>So that must be the only reason, him wanting to reconnect with me, like a brother offering a sweet piece of cake to his pouting sister.</p><p>If that's what he want, then I'll give to him, the intimacy between lovers. Not because of his own labor but because of my own mercy. Because I wanted to. That way I can give whenever I want, and take whenever I want. </p><p>This is my power.</p><p>Night has fallen. I watch from the window, wait like a faithful wife for her husband to come home. He arrives early, a bit surprised when he finds me still awake. I watch as he nears me, a serpent slitering his way to his prey. </p><p>"You're still awake," he says. "Why?"</p><p>"I was waiting for you," I say. </p><p>"That's quite a change. You need something?"</p><p>"I don't. What about you? Do you need something?"</p><p>"I do."</p><p>He catches me in between his arms, a docile prey, a willing sacrifice. I don't fight as his tounge slides to meet mine, dance richly, his hands climbing their way through.</p><p>"I want you so badly," he says seductively against my ear. "Yona..."</p><p>In the next moment I'm trapped in between the wall and his looming figure, and the next moment we're stumbling in the bed, our clothes discarded. </p><p>"It will never be enough," he says. "I want to consume you, to be one with you. I want all of you."</p><p>He devours my mouth until they're tender and swollen. He devours my neck and shoulders until they're all but bruised. He devours my chest until they reached their highest peaks. He devours my core until they're sore.</p><p>As he locks his gaze with mine I tell him in my head, <i>Remember, I'm doing this because of my grace, and not by the power that you hold over me. I can give and I can take.</i> </p><p>By morning, I'm sore all over. He went too far. He doesn't leave my side all morning. He insists on cuddling with me, cradling me, like a newlywed couple. </p><p>On that night when he first made love to me he left right away; or at least when I awoke he's gone to murder my father. How I wish he would leave now too. So that I may cleanse myself. Oh gods, I think, forgive me for being unclean.</p><p>We're not married, so it's a sin, what we're doing. That makes me an unclean woman. Or at the very least, that's what I'd been told. Your body is sacred, they said. It belongs to your husband. Let no one touch you until the night of your wedding.</p><p>I'm bound to marry him, that's what they were all thinking. I don't think so. Maybe I will, if I don't find a way out soon. And where there's a will, there's a way. As they also say.</p><p>"I love you," he keeps on muttering. </p><p>I don't reply. For as far as I could remember, the very last time I ever uttered those words was the night when I'd been fool enough to believe I really did love him. Either he never notices, or he hardly cares. Or perhaps I've been saying them unaware last night.</p><p>Maybe I should say "thank you" or "I know" or "I love you too." But the last one, it's a lie. And we both know that. The first ones, they don't matter. Actions speak louder than words. So I let my fingers caress his chest. Run my fingers through the lines of the marks I'd made. </p><p>Now they're even more apparent, in the light. During the nights when we would indulge in the pleasures of the flesh, does he notice the way I would rake my fingernails so hard over his every skin? Does he notice the way I would bite his shoulder painfully, or the way I would grip his hair so tight ... or he doesn't. Perhaps he doesn't mind them anyway.</p><p>Because he's lost too. Because he understands that I would never forgive him, never forget what he's done. Because those are the only times I can truly hurt him with my own hands. Because in the morning those marks would leave bruises and cuts and make him uncomfortable if not wince for the whole day.</p><p>"Does it hurt?" I ask, tracing the bite mark on his shoulder, deep and raw. I meet his soft gaze. </p><p>"I like them," is what he says. </p><p>"Your love might destroy you," I say, out of the box. "Kill you sooner." This is a warning. </p><p>He chuckles then. "I don't intend to live long. It doesn't matter."</p><p>"Why not?" I say. "You only live once. Why not live longer?" He doesn't answer. "You're leaving your loved ones early," I state.</p><p>"No," he says, and his face turns serious. "Because I'm taking them with me."</p><p>"You intend to kill them too?" I say, resisting the shiver of fear. Because he surely meant me.</p><p>"Likely," he says. "Better to take her while she's mine, than to see her in another man's arms."</p><p>"You're selfish," I say. "You live for yourself."</p><p>"I am selfish," he agrees. "But I don't live for myself. I live for the country. And for the woman I love."</p><p>"Which is more important then?" I ask.</p><p>"Both," he says. </p><p>"That can't be," I reason. "You can't serve two masters and be faithful to both."</p><p>"Yes you can. If the two masters agree with each other."</p><p>I bury my face in his chest. No one speaks for a long time. We relish in each other's warmth, two lovers locked in a firm embrace. Except that we're not lovers. Because I don't hold any more love to him, while he never loved me in the first place; what he feels isn't love.</p><p>"It's really good to hear you talk to me again," he says. "To hear your voice. I thought you'd keep on ignoring me for months."</p><p>"What if I shut you out again?" I ask. </p><p>"I'd be patient, like what I just did," he says. "But not for long. Life is short, for instance."</p><p>My mother died when I was no more than six. My father died when I was six and ten. His father died when he was nine. And his mother. Life is short, he's right.</p><p>You can die while simply visiting a friend; as did my mother. You can die while hunting for prey; as did his father. You can die on the hands of your own kin; as did my father. And you can die of an illness; as did his mother.</p><p>I wonder how he would die. Or how I would die.</p><p>"How do you think you would die?" I ask.</p><p>Now I'm asking him questions I couldn't ask on a daily basis. He's vulnerable, I sense. As always after we make love. He's telling me things I've never heard before. Like a child opening up to his mother. This is the power of intimacy. </p><p>"Maybe die of an illness," he says. "Or on the hands of rebels..." He means Hak. "Who knows? Maybe through your own hands." He laughs lightly. He's insane. "I'd like that. It would be an honor to die on the hands of the woman I love. But not now. I still have important things to do."</p><p>"I'm not a murderer," I say. He only hums. "You're not afraid of death, are you?"</p><p>"There's nothing scary in it," he says.</p><p>"You're made of a black stone," I say. "You fear nothing."</p><p>"I fear one thing," he says. "Losing you. I'd go insane."</p><p>How sweet is that.</p><p>"You won't lose me," I say. "Even if I go somewhere far you'd always find me."</p><p>I could feel his lips curling in amusement. "Like I said, we die together. You can't go before me, and I can't go before you."</p><p>Instead of trembling in fear at the obvious threat, I smile in astonishment. In the challenge. I can't wait to tear down his poor dreams. I feel no fear, and it's dangerous. This lack of fear is dangerous. </p><p>"I promised to stay by your side," I say. "But you didn't promise me anything. It's unfair."</p><p>A moment of silence. "Meet me tonight by the cherry tree," he says. "I'd give you my promise too." </p><p>As if we were lovers exchanging love letters, meeting in a forbidden hour, secret meetings. Under the cherry tree, a symbol of romance. </p><p>"Your promise should not be the same as mine," I say. "You can promise to love me, make me happy, cherish me all the days of your life. Like a wedding vow. Something like that."</p><p>"I'll think about it," he says.</p><p>In reality, I'm looking for a way to trap him too. He's had me trapped in a promise; therefore I'd have him trapped in the same way. If I could make him promise one thing, and do everything in my power to make him break it, then I'd be free.</p><p>"By the way," I say. "I refuse."</p><p>"Refuse what?"</p><p>"Your offer. Yesterday when you said you'd teach me archery."</p><p>"Oh that. Why so?"</p><p>"I find it insignificant," I say. "Unnecessary."</p><p>"It's a good pastime," he says. "Like I said."</p><p>"My favorite pastime is sleeping in the library," I say. "It's only annoying that Minsu always comes to wake me."</p><p>He giggles. "I'll let you sleep in my study room. I won't disturb you, ever."</p><p>"Really?" I say like a child in wonder. I haven't been to his study room before. If I go there, would I find something I could use to my advantage?</p><p>"Why not?" he says. He pauses. "If you change your mind you can come to me, to teach you archery. Anytime."</p><p>"Is it really just for my pastime?" I wonder but say out loud enough to reach his ears.</p><p>"What else?" he muses. "Anyway, I thought you wanted to learn so I suggested it. Nothing more." He caresses my back. "If you need anything just come to me. And if I can, I'll give it to you. You know you can depend on me."</p><p>I only want one thing, but he can never give it to me. So I purse my lips and stay quiet.</p><p>Right after he leaves I take a bath. To cleanse myself. But only on the outside, scrubbing myself until they're overdone. My inside, it remains tainted. Oh gods, I think again, please forgive me for being dirty.</p><p>In the mirror, I see a different person. A woman with a bleeding hair. A woman, not a girl. How did I become like this, age in years within just months? I barely recognize myself now. What's looking in front of me is a different person. My hair is bleeding, a waterfall of blood. I want to cut it.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Note to readers: *MANGA SPOILER ALERT* okay so in the manga, Suwon has crimson illness. But here in my story, I'm delaying everything, like Yona's meeting with the dragons, and Suwon's illness (who knows, maybe it will manifest in his thirties lol)</p><p>Also important: My dear readers, I'm having a big problem right now (in academics) I'm in trouble tbh 😭. I don't know when I'd be able to resume writing and post the next chapters again but I'll try the soonest possible time. Please forgive me especially to the guests who can't subscribe and keeps on coming back here to check updates (I've read in the comments section) 😭😭 I'm really sorry, sorry sorry with all my heart. I'll see you again soon. -Summer</p><p>PS. I'm not abandoning this story okay :))) I'll finish this no matter what. So don't worry. You have my word 🙃 I will go back after I fix my life.</p><p>PPS. In the comments section, I posted a FAQs thing 😊 pls check them out if you have time.</p>
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